Book Two: Inescapable, #2 Read online

  But even though I know all this, I can’t seem to push Cass from my mind. I can’t stand how this feels, that I can’t ever be a part of her life again. To be given the privilege to be able to discover more about her, her likes and dislikes.

  To know what it’s like to wake up with her by my side in the morning.

  I feel like I’m caught up in a web of lust, want and need.

  A few minutes later, I hear the door open to the condo. I don’t bother to look up, needing to keep my face hidden in my hands so that she doesn’t see the craving for another woman on my face.

  “Borden?” she asks, her tone filled with concern.

  I feel her sit next to me and a few moments later when I feel in control enough, I lift my head to look into her eyes. Sharon is not only a beautiful woman, she’s a kind soul. She has stood beside me through everything including helping me to face my demons. She was also my first real girlfriend. Before her, everyone had been a quick fling.

  Except Cass...

  Guilt spears through me. This longing for Cass isn’t fair to Sharon. I need to do as Cass said and put her behind me, concentrate on what is in front of me.

  I lean over and give her a soft kiss. She sighs, her arms coming up to pull me closer. I know if I pressed her back against the couch right now, she would willingly let me make love to her...

  But that’s just why I can’t do it. I feel like a cheater right now because I know I’d be thinking of Cass the whole time.

  Wishing it was her.

  Feeling too emotionally drained, I gently pull away before standing, breaking our connection.

  She looks up at me questioningly.

  “Tyler from my PR agency, Your 15 Minute’s, invited us to his beach house next weekend,” I say and thankfully her gaze changes from questions to one of excitement.

  If she only knew, - sneaks, unwanted through my mind. I push it away.

  “You could use the break, to just get away from it all,” she replies softly and encouragingly. “I’ve never seen you this tormented before. I know it can’t be easy to launch a solo career, to walk away you’re your band, but you have to do what’s right for you. There’s nothing wrong with doing that.”

  Avoiding her eyes, letting her continue to think that it’s my career that has my emotions careening so wildly out of control, I say hoarsely, “I’m going for a run.”

  She nods, undeserved sympathy for me filling her eyes, as I turn and head to the bedroom to change.

  Once my feet start pounding the pavement, my mind inevitably slips away to Cass. I can’t help but wonder what she’s doing right now, what it is that she does after work. Even though Tyler seems like a great guy, I can’t help but swear on him right now. I widen my stride, trying to fight back images of him touching her, experiencing her like I once did.

  Why did she still have to come into my dreams and play with me?

  I’m so sick of this dreaming about her.

  Every night...the hell that I go through.

  I’m so sick of this waking every night, gripping my sheets tight in my fists when I relive that night with her...

  The way her lips curled when she swam teasingly away from me, silently encouraging me to follow her. To taste and touch her, be with her even if all we had was one night.

  But these dreams that I’ve had of her every night since then...

  They were like shadows that danced forever in my mind and seeing her with him...touching skin that I’d once touched, tasting the skin that I still craved, I sometimes wish I could erase that night completely from my memories because I know that’s the only way I’d ever be able to take my heart back.

  Because my heart has only ever been hers since that one night so long ago...

  Jealousy overrides everything and I run until I feel as if my heart will explode from my chest. I’m forced to stop as vomit rises in my throat, burning as I place a hand on a nearby tree and expel the contents of my stomach.

  With my chest heaving, I lean back against the tree, closing my eyes as waves of dizziness overtakes my body. When I feel my breathing even out, I start a slow walk back home.

  This is crazy. Just let her go, - I silently reprimand myself. But I know I won’t.

  Because I know I can’t.

  When I reach the apartment, I’m completely worn out. I pretend I don’t hear Sharon’s offer to join me in the shower over the music playing in my earbuds. I just need time to compose myself before I can concentrate on Sharon.

  To push Cass away.

  Stepping into the shower, I place my hands on the wall in front me, dropping my head forward in defeat to allow the water to beat down onto me. I hear Sharon knocking on the locked bathroom door and once again I pretend I don’t hear her because I can’t face her right now. I stay under the shower, allowing the water to spray over me, hoping it will wash away some of the memories.

  It doesn’t help.

  My mind slips back to the first time I’d seen Cass, standing at the end of the line up to the Ferris wheel, collecting tickets. She had looked so beautiful as she smiled warmly at each of the guests. When her eyes had collided with mine, I knew instantly I wasn’t leaving that night without meeting her. I’d been light-headed with excitement mixed with lust, as she drove us to her apartment that night. I knew with every fiber of my being that I wanted her, that she was different.

  Just as I know with every fiber of my being that I still want her. That our connection will always be something different from any connection I’ve ever had in my life. My stomach feels as if it has been sucker punched with that reality.

  God damn it. Why did she have to be happy with someone else? – I silently and selfishly vent. My heart is aching so heavily within my chest as it seems to silently whisper, - I’ve been so lost since that night.

  I stay under the pounding water until I feel like I can face Sharon. Turning off the water, I quickly wrap my towel around my waist before walking into the bedroom to find Sharon, looking very concerned, waiting there on the edge of the bed for me.

  I avoid her eyes as I continue to my closet and dress in black shorts and a t-shirt. I feel like an imposter, like I’m someone different since having Cass come back into my life.

  Walking back into the bedroom, I once again avoid her eyes as I ask, “How about a movie tonight? I’m zonked and I need to get a good night’s sleep before the shoot tomorrow.”

  “A movie sounds good but Borden...” I hear her sigh out my name and I brace myself as she continues, “What’s going on? I know you are stressed about this upcoming career choice, but something is telling me it’s something else. I’ve never seen you like this.”

  Sighing, I contemplate for a moment on whether I should tell her. I think about Cass’s words today on the phone about how I feel, what she wants, and I feel torn.

  It had been one night only. Cass has said she won’t throw away what she has with Tyler to give whatever is still between us a chance. It would be stupid of me to throw away someone as great as Sharon over something that was nothing but a memory. I just need to move past this somehow.

  Giving up a great girl like Sharon would be a mistake. Cass has made it clear she wants nothing between us, – I silently reiterate.

  “Just a lot going on right now,” I murmur in reply. Finally, I lift my eyes to meet Sharon’s. I see confusion there as she scans my face.

  I brace myself for a moment under her perusal and then force myself to relax. I need to figure out a way to distract her from continuing to attempt to dissect me. To figure out what is really going on in my head.

  “I’ll make dinner,” I suggest. “We still have pasta from the market. Why don’t you grab a bath, relax and I’ll bring you a glass of wine?”

  I feel so tied up and twisted right now.

  Unable to think clearly.

  Having Sharon in front of me, as if she is trying to bore holes into my head, trying to see into my brain, doesn’t help so I say a silent prayer that she accepts my suggestion.<
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  Sharon relaxes a little as she replies with a small smile, “That sounds lovely.”

  Nodding, I quickly escape the bedroom and head to the kitchen. Opening a bottle of white wine, I pour a glass and head back to the master bathroom. Laying the wine on the side of the bathtub, I lean down and place a kiss on the top of Sharon’s head as she sits on the side of the tub, patiently waiting for the bath to fill.

  I really don’t want to hurt her. I just need time to get past this.

  Seeing Cass this week was just a shock to my system. That’s all it was, - I silently try to convince myself.

  Heading back to the kitchen, I make dinner, but Cass always hovers in my mind. It’s like there’s an indentation in the shape of her on my heart. When Sharon emerges from the bath, I ask her to find a movie to watch as I plate the pasta before joining her on the couch.

  I pick at my food as the movie drones on, having no interest in either the food or the movie. My stomach is still in turmoil from thoughts of Cass and I give up all pretentions of eating as I lay my fork by my plate. Sharon takes note, but thankfully, remains quiet.

  As the movie moves into the half hour mark, I’m completely lost as to what is happening on the screen, unable to keep my mind from spinning, back to remembering what it had been like when I’d first met Sharon. She had come into my life when I’d been at my lowest. She had been hired as the stylist for the band and which meant she went with us on all of our road trips. We’d never spoken much at first. I’d been too consumed with thoughts of Cass to even think of another woman but then came that first night that I finally realized that Cass wasn’t going to be part of my future. After going to Cass’s apartment as soon as I returned to LA to find no trace of her, I’d returned to my hotel room where I had lain on the bed wondering what I’d done to have Cass completely ignore me. I had felt so tortured, my world feeling as if it was spinning completely out of control and after staring at my rented room’s mini bar, I had decided to get drunk.

  I’d just wanted to forget.

  To forget how I had been stupidly pining over Cass ever since the night I met her.

  To forget that night ever happened.

  Once I started, I never stopped until I’d consumed everything. After I accomplished that, I’d been tired of being alone and had wandered to the hotel bar. Sharon had been there, but I’d kept to myself, had a few more drinks until I had passed out propped up against the bar. I woke in the morning, my head pounding, to find a note on my pillow from Sharon that had simply stated:

  If you ever want to talk, I’m here.

  I hadn’t taken her up on her invitation right away because the very next day, I was offered a hit of cocaine. I remember, even now, how I’d stared at it, knowing that I shouldn’t ever do it but everything else had seemed overwhelming because in addition to losing Cass, I was deeply unhappy. I’d been shocked by my realization, knew the real reason for it was because I felt so alone even though I was on tour and surrounded by people daily. I just felt that I was going through the motions of everyday living, trying to please everyone around me as I obeyed every rule set before me to be here, to be there, when I was told. I also knew that touring was the reason why I’d never have a chance with Cass. But with the long years of the touring contract ahead of me, I knew my options were either to end it all now or just take the hit and see what happened.

  I took the hit.

  I quickly got drawn into that world because it was the only thing that mercifully numbed my brain. It wasn’t until I was at a party, where I’d overdosed and had to be rushed to the hospital that I’d finally started to realize what I was doing to myself and decided that things needed to change. That despite the touring contract, I was the master of my life.

  Before going on stage the next night after I was released, Sharon had just put the finishing touches on my make up when she murmured, “The offer to talk still stands.”

  At first, I still didn’t take Sharon up on the offer to talk but I did start to spend time with her. While she didn’t fill the empty void I seemed to have since Cass, couldn’t help me as I once again went back to lying awake every night silently wondering why – what – I’d done to have Cass completely ignore me, she’d helped a little. Spending that time with Sharon was better than the times I’d woken next to yet another girl that had physical similarities to Cass, almost saying her name.

  Eventually, I had given into the need to talk about Cass and had told Sharon all about her and I felt closer to Sharon because of it. After almost a year of hanging out and just being friends, Sharon had kissed me. I remember it so very well. I’d looked into her eyes, felt a twinge of doubt but the need to connect with someone other than for sex had outweighed all else as I leaned down to return her kiss. From there it escalated into a companionable and easy physical relationship. We hadn’t put a label on it and it had comfortably progressed into an unspoken boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. I’d been content, if not happy, with our relationship.

  But I also knew that Sharon had never affected me, not like Cass and I have to admit that I liked that.

  Because I never wanted to be that attracted, to lose myself so quickly and completely, to anyone ever again.

  Sharon cuddles into my side, bringing me back to the present for the moment, and like always I automatically wrap my arm around her.

  She has been so good to me. Having the chance to get to know Sharon before we slept together had been good. It gave me a chance to make a deeper connection with her and made me realize that the countless girls I went through was a vacant existence and not something I wanted any longer. I’d liked Sharon and respected her before I slept with her and in the years after, I’d thought of her as my companion, someone who was there for me, keeping me from feeling totally alone.

  She didn’t deserve to have a boyfriend who wanted someone else.

  Firmly, I push away thoughts of Cass.

  But still, she always lingers...

  The next morning, I resolutely tell myself that I can handle the upcoming photoshoot with Cass in attendance. After all, Sharon will be with me today. It would make it easier on me because her presence would be an invisible barrier between Cass and me.

  But when I arrive at the studio address Cass had emailed me, my heart gives a quick leap at thoughts of seeing her again. I can’t help but automatically look around for her, my breath halting in my chest when I spot her, dressed in tight jeans and a white t-shirt that hugs her breasts. With her hair piled high on top of her head and a few tendrils escaping her messy bun, I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful.

  That can make my heart skip.

  That can steal it so quickly and easily.

  At that moment, she looks away from the person she’s speaking with and her eyes collide with mine.

  My breath feels trapped in my chest - hurting.

  Cass’s eyes move to Sharon and I see something in them, for just a moment.

  Hurts doesn’t it, to see me with someone else? - I silently ache for her, while also cynically loving that she is feeling some of the hurt, the deep agonizing pain that I have felt from having to watch her with Tyler.

  Slowly, Cass raises her hand and hesitantly waves for me to join her. Placing my hand on Sharon’s back, I guide her over to meet Cass, feeling disjointed, as if this is all surreal.

  “Morning,” I manage to speak as my eyes rove hungrily over Cass’s face, noting the dark circles underneath her eyes.

  Cass’s smile is forced as she responds politely, “Good morning,” her eyes betraying her feelings as she allows them to move over Sharon once again.

  “Cass, this is Sharon,” I say awkwardly, never feeling so disjointed as I do right now.

  Sharon, blissfully unaware of the emotions flying back and forth between Cass and I, extends her hand to Cass in a friendly manner as she says excitedly, “Very nice to meet you, Cass. Borden has told me some of the plans that you have for his career media launch. I think they are brilliant.”

&nbs
p; Having no other choice, Cass returns the handshake but she avoids making a comment in return. Instead, she changes the subject, reverting to a professional voice as she says, “Everything has been set up and the photographer is just doing some last-minute adjustments to the lighting. Your dressing room is over there if you want to get started.” I see Sharon’s head turn to look to where Cass is pointing but I’m unable to look away from Cass’s face. It’s betraying her emotions and I want to sweep her into my arms and just run away with her, away from everything.

  To make this hurt stop for the both of us.

  Sharon turns back to face me, and I have to force myself to pull my eyes away from Cass as Sharon says, “We should get started.”

  Nodding, I throw a quick glance at Cass again before following Sharon to the dressing room. As Sharon goes through the rack of clothes, I disrobe and methodically pull on the clothes she hands me, my mind totally on Cass and nothing else.

  Sharon quickly applies the necessary light makeup for the photoshoot before tackling my hair. Once she deems me ready, I take a deep sigh.

  Time to get on with this.

  As I exit the room, Cass’s eyes immediately come to me for a few seconds before sliding away. But I’m still able to read what’s in her eyes.

  I see the pain...

  I can feel it.

  I want to go to her, to reach out and take her hand.

  To try to soothe some of the pain...

  Because I know exactly how that feels.

  It’s the same pain I feel when I see her with Ty.

  Justin, my friend and this photoshoot’s photographer, extends his hand to me, as he says, “Congrats on your solo career, man. I had no idea it was you until you walked out of that room. Now I know why they made me sign my life away with those privacy contracts. Big step you’re taking.”

  Taking his hand, I reply, “Yeah, management doesn’t want anyone to slip up. How have you been?”

  He grins, as he says, “Oh, the usual. Slaving away, trying to make it as one of Hollywood’s top photographers. This gig is gonna be great for me.”